Words where their warmth should be....

Writing on this blog has become less of an every day thing in the past month or two and more of a place to share my opinions (Cheers & Jeers), my anger, my sadness, my pain, and even my joy. I come to this blog because I can take this blogger box and fill it with my every hope, wish, and dream. I can be honest, forthright, and fearless. This place is for me, for me and my babies. As I write this I am welling up with tears because it makes me so angry, so deeply sad that this is all I have of them. These words are my memories, my moments in time, my words that must replace what should have been their warmth in my arms.

This tear filled post could have been a fitful cry in the middle of the night, a diaper change, a feeding, my baby just wanting to be held. I managed the holidays so far with smiles and laughter. Created ornaments and stocking for my children that I will hang in the years to come on every Christmas tree we have for the rest of my God given life. I created the only memories I could and I helped to create memories for other BLMs by making ornaments and participating in an ornament exchange, a card exchange, and a gift exchange.


Today at church (you can read about it in more detail on the previous post) our youth pastor spoke and at the end of the sermon we found out that one of his wife's students (she teaches physical education) had lost her 2 year battle with cancer on Christmas Eve (she would have been 16 in May). 2 weeks before she made it clear that she believed in God, had been saved, and so they knew when she passed that we would one day see her in Heaven. I didn't know this girl but I knew the love my friends had for her and even though they were thrilled they would meet her in Heaven again one day they were filled with sadness too. I didn't know her but I cried, I cried for my friends loss, and even more for her dear parents. They entered this grief journey, this sad club, this monumental group of people that we wish would stop growing. I know I can do nothing to take away their pain but I am making them an angel plaque for their sweet girl and I hope that brings them a small amount of peace through their tears.

(If you have not read the book FIREFLY LANE and wish to one day DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH THAT IS IN RED! It will give away the ending. You have been warned! After the red feel free to continue reading!)

I also just finished Firefly Lane which midway through shocked me with a miscarriage and then at the end the death of one of the characters. She died of cancer. Her first child she miscarried at 4 months, then went on to have a baby girl, and then quite a few years later twin boys. Her best friend urged her to write "her story" so that her children could know all about their mother even after she was gone. She did. All I could think through this was this is my story and my babies can't ever read it. The story would have made me cry anyways but this made me sob. When the book was done I had to leave the room so I wouldn't wake up my poor husband (who actually has to wake up to go to work in 3 hours). However, God can tell them all about me and I know I will meet them one day... but it still just plain sucks. No two ways around that...

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I have my MRI on Tuesday. I am terrified. I am hopeful - but I can't bear the idea that my hope could be crushed - I know I will survive it if it is - but I am terrified of the prospect of that looming anvil that could crush crush crush. My cousin's husband is doing the MRI so I am glad that it is someone I can trust. I am not thrilled with enclosed spaces but was told to wear my sleeping mask so that the space won't freak me out and I can bring music to listen to for the hour I am in the contraption. (I have worn a sleeping mask to bed since 7th grade EVERY night - that's over 18 years! Crazy but true! And not the SAME one for 18 years...that would be gross!) But the process is the least of the worries. Obviously I am terrified that I will be told that the problem with my uterus - the reason it is shaped like a capital V is that it is bicornuate and that it is extra muscle essentially splitting my uterus practically in two. This would be the bad news - the crusher. The HOPEFUL news would be that it is TISSUE and can therefore be easily removed through surgery and once healed could POSSIBLY solve my miscarriage issues. I'm praying for tissue but terrified of the bicornuate anvil that is the muscle diagnosis. I will fill you in when I know more. Until then.... think and pray TISSUE!

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My tears have dried, and my mind has stilled.... yet again this blog has helped me. I thank God for this space and all of you wonderful readers everyday. The blogging BLM community has meant so much to me. I know you always will. Even if I lose touch with some of you over time, your names and your babies names are engraved on my heart....please know this. Also I added a CONTACT area in the upper left hand column of my blog. Feel free to write me and email if you ever wish to ask questions or would like to talk to me about anything, even as simple as what I think of a movie (I also have a movie review blog LOL)...I leave you with this touching clip from the Rabbit Hole (it won't ruin the movie don't worry!)

I reviewed Rabbit Hole HERE.


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‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”-Revelation 21:4

Faithfully following Him....

Those who hate religious talk - I'm sorry but it's a large part of me and a HUGE part of this grief journey - I am not trying to convert you, offend you, or anything of the sort but this is MY area and my faith in Christ is a huge part of the package that is me. If you wish to read no further I understand and do not judge in any way...

Today in church our youth pastor gave a wonderful sermon about how Jesus is the only true king and how he should be the center of our lives.
He spoke about how He should give us identity, value, purpose, security - because HE will NEVER let us down. NEVER. He is always there for us - thick or thin, through trials and tribulations, He will never leave our side. As the end he asked us to ask some questions to ourselves. These were the questions....
1--Who/what is my Judge I am living to earn the approval of?
2--Who/what is my Lord that rules over my life determining how I live?
3--Who/what do I look towards for my significance?
4--Who/what if taken from your life would cause you to not walk as faithfully with God?
5--Who/what do I devote my time and money to?

My answers:
1--I am looking to earn approval from God, to walk as rightly as I can in this world and to be the example I should be for Him to others.

2--The Lord rules over my life and I do the best I can to make that clear to others though I am not perfect.

3--This ones tough - I put a lot of significance into being a mother - I look towards having children as making my life significant. Before that (and even sometimes still I looked to getting a teaching job because that could make me have a significant impact on children). I know the Lord knows all and He is all I need but sometimes, I will not lie, my mind is clouded with those other thoughts.

4--Well obviously both my children were taken from me and I still walk faithfully. Could my walk be better? Sure - and I will work to improve that - but I survived this hurricane in my life so far. If all possibility of having children was taken from me I would stumble in my walk - I would be freaking mad - but I would not give up on God. If my husband was taken from me the same would happen but I would not give up on God. I pray that NEITHER of these things will occur. I pray my trials with having children will soon be over and that my husband will be with me until the day I die. But I am not dumb enough to think I control this either....

5--I don't devote enough time to God of this I am sure. Mainly I devote a lot of time to my art, my blog, my husband, etc. and my money - to bills. Given unemployment it has made tithing an issue that will be resolved in time. But I could surely devote more time to God.


I pray that my faith will blossom and that my time with God will increase. I know that my babies are with Him and I hope my babies know how much I love them and God. If they are watching, listening, peeking in from time to time...I want them to be proud of their momma as I am proud of them.


I miss you my sweet Riley & Peyton and I always will. I hope you enjoyed Christmas in Heaven - I'm sure it was a glorious site to behold!

Merry Christmas to all.....

I couldn't even logically explain why on Earth I am still awake at 1am on Christmas day but.... I've been sick and had things to catch up on.

I managed to be well enough to help out and fill in with some singing at the Christmas Eve service tonight (the service was GREAT - it ends in a church filled with lit candles singing Silent Night SO beautiful - I teared up a few times thinking about my Riley & Peyton but all in all it was beautiful), yesterday I baked 3 batches of cookies. Today I made pumpkin mousse, 2 pumpkin pies, and a breakfast bake to eat tomorrow. Given we have to be to my parents at 8am AGAIN I have no idea why I am insane and still up....

Well I have a little of an idea. I decided top frost some of the cookies I made then I remembered that I had to paint these CUTE cardboard cupcakes I bought my mom. I have had them for forever but OF COURSE did not remember this until 11pm or so! Now I must wrap these with earrings I made inside and then even thought we have not finished Home Alone I must sleep! We watched It's a Wonderful Life which is my favorite so I am satisfied. I sewed Riley & Peyton's names on two mini stockings also tonight :)

Here are the stockings, cupcakes and the various other things I made :)

I bought this at Michael's for Peyton :)

Same thing - for Riley

Cupcakes for my momma :)

Ornament for Riley & Peyton- based on poem sent to me by Melissa Terrill :)

GIFTS FROM OTHER BLM'S

My ornaments from the ornament exchange!

I received SO MANY Christmas cards from BLMs -- FAR more then I have ever received from family or 'real life' friends!! Thank you SO much to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

I wish you all a peaceful and happy Christmas day! God Bless you all!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

The Rabbit Hole!

Ok so even though this movie was VERY limited release I figured out a way to watch it.

There is a link below to one of my OTHER blogs (my movie review blog) where I wrote a review of the movie.

Check it out - I could copy and paste it but that didn't strike me till right not. I have a respiratory infection so I can't even believe I got on here to write anything.

CLICK HERE to check it out. If at all interested follow my blog I review movies all the time :)

Oh and keep me in your prayers that I feel better in the next few days I don't want this to turn into bronchitis! If it did I couldn't celebrate Christmas with my family :*(


Also I was brought to tears by this beautiful Christmas card sent to me by Mikayla's momma. I don't know where she found it or if she wrote it but it is amazing and I felt the need to share it - hope you don't mind Melissa! <3

I see the countless Christmas trees, around the world below, with tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year! I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but the sounds of music can't compare with Heaven's Choir up here. I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, for it's far beyond description just to hear the angels sing! I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, but I'm not so very far away ; we're really not apart. So be happy for me, Dear Ones, you know I hold you dear. And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year! I send you each a special gift from my Heavenly home above. I send you each a memory of my undying love! After all, love is The Gift more precious than pure gold. It was always more important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do, for I can't count the blessings or the love He has for you! So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear. Remember...I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

<3 Riley & Peyton <3

Momma misses you so much but I am at peace that you are able to spend Christmas and EVERY DAY with Jesus Christ! I love you so so much!

and remember $5 off angel plaques from now until 2011 :)

The giveaway winners & $5 off angel plaques

I would just like to thank each and EVERY one of you for participating in my giveaway and telling me more about yourself. I am so incredibly sorry for every one's losses. I wish that I had endless time and money and I could make something for every single one of you! I wish you all a peaceful Christmas and a New Year filled with so SO much happiness! 

THE WINNERS ARE...

I put these into Random.org so you are going to have to trust that these are the winners because I am too DARN sick (for the 3rd time in 7 weeks!) to post all the pictures :*( 

OK sooooo I choose 4 winners! One because I wanted to - so my Pay it forward act of kindness goes to......

Brianna :) Please just pay this kindness forward in honor of Riley & Peyton! I would LOVE to make a bracelet for your husband. It's mutli-colored (like in the pictures) and I hope that will be okay - I don't believe I have any other letters that are not colored. Go HERE to fill out the bracelet order form - make sure you have wrist size and what words/names you would want to have on the bracelet :)

WINNER # 1 for the frame is......


Bree :)   Please go HERE (for quote frame) or HERE (for plaid frame) to fill out the form for your FRAME :)

WINNER #2 for the bracelet is......

Rhiannon :) Please go HERE to fill out the form for your bracelet :)





WINNER #3 for the ornament is......

Car :) Please go HERE to fill out the form for your ornament :) (you can find the various examples that you can choose from my store's page)

**Remember I cannot get these to your by Christmas because I have too many orders and ya know ummmm Christmas is in a week LOL soooo you will have to look forward to this AFTER Christmas present**

ALSO!!!! For anyone that is interested I am doing a special price for angel plaques from now until the end of the year!!! Angel plaques are now $25.00 (a savings of $5!) these would make great belated Christmas gifts or just lovely SURPRISE gifts to a loved one you know who has lost a child!

25 Days of giveaways! Day 18 :)

YEAAA it's my turn to be a part of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways! Check out her blog and keep an eye out because there is at least one giveaway every day till Christmas (sometimes there are two on one day!)

SO after much consideration I am going to giveaway a few things.

** given that these are custom items and the holidays are SO close I will not be able to get these out to
everyone by Christmas - SO it will have to be a LATE Christmas present for you :) **

This giveaway IS restricted to people that have lost a child. If you have not I thank you for reading my blog but my goal is to pass on a smile to someone trying to trudge through this tragedy... to bring a small amount of peace to each hard day with a piece of art to look at. Thank you for understanding! 

Winner #1 will get:

A hand painted frame - you may choose from the two sizes available square and rectangle (I don't have any oval ones currently) The winner may choose the colors and if they would like a name or quote on it :)

It does not have to be plaid but here is an example of one I have made before :)

the rectangle frame is like the blue one in this picture

this is an example of the square frame

Winner # 2 will get:

A personalized bracelet - I can fit a few words in there as long as they fit within the wrist size you give me :)
They will be multicolored letters as in all the examples below...

Winner #3 will get:

An ornament - there are MANY everyday ornament choices - such as bears, butterflies, dragonflies. If you prefer you can choose a Christmas ornament but I assumed that the everyday ornaments would be more fitting given you will get it after Christmas - totally up to you - here are some I have made:

balloon

butterfly

Dragonfly

Teddy bear

heart

angel

Christmas circle

I hope you like the giveaway :)

TO ENTER:

1) leave a comment - tell me something about yourself...

2) Extra entry if you are a follower of my store

I will announce the winner at 

10pm EST :)

Misunderstood

I pretty consistently feel totally, completely, utterly misunderstood. Before I lost Riley & Peyton, far before the worst year I have had in my 29 years I felt this way. Many many many times. I have gone through a lot in life. A lot that people probably misunderstood in the first place. For instance people don't "get" depression. I went through that for a horrible 7 years or so. All of high school and a majority of my college years. I remember my cousin looking at me and asking me why I don't just "get over it" - I wanted to strangle her. I was like OH YEA why didn't I ever think of THAT! How dumb. People are like that with child loss too - that think we should get over it, move on, have more kids - like it's possible to get over and like having a child will make the loss any less horrible. People are stupid. Plain and simple.

I have a very sarcastic personality. I don't really spout out my sarcasm at people until they know me however even people that do know me don't like it (my sis for instance). Those that GET my sarcasm are usually ALSO sarcastic and they get it - they get it's a JOKE and we laugh and carry on. I swear to you that people (those that don't understand) look at me like I'm this huge jerk. I just stand there and think the person I am actually TALKING to is laughing so mind your business! I feel like because of my personality I have to constantly explain myself. It's ridiculous and annoying. I don't ask you to change your personality don't ask me to change mine. If you don't like me then move along...

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I mentioned to a new friend in an email who recently lost her sweet angel that I feel like when I look in the mirror all I can see is my loss. All I see behind my eyes is pain. I feel like this year has added many years to my life. I feel much older than 29 most days. I think suffering this sort of pain added a reality to my world that I wish I never knew. A reality filled with far too much fear and sadness. Far too many unanswered questions and what if's that I never thought I would have to question ever in my life let alone at this stage in my life. I mentioned to her that I thought if I were to place two photos next to each other of a before and after baby loss it would be so obvious which happened when. I was right. I can tell very much which picture is which. Makeup doesn't cover it up, nothing can all makeup does is add color to chaos. I think I look much older, tired, sad, and that genuine smile and that happy gleam in my eye is gone. I think my eyes look sort of lifeless.

It's like I can look into my eyes and SEE my pain. SEE that part of me is gone. The "old me" is only present in the gleam of my eye. Like a far away memory. That "me" seems so long ago. So PAST. So forever gone and at the same time I can't believe it's been 10 months since my first loss - 10 months since Riley left us and 4 since Peyton left. Some days are good - most I feel like a shell of my former self. Like invasion of the body snatchers. To others I may look the same. Maybe even sound and act the same sometimes. But deep down I know that I am the not the "me" I once was. I part of myself during that first ultrasound. The first time I heard there was "no heartbeat" and somehow a large majority of me survived after that. I did society's thing - didn't grieve - didn't talk - moved on with life - until I heard "no heartbeat" the second time around. That day, all alone in that SAME d*mn ultrasound room I lost the rest of the old me. That naive hope was gone forever, never to return. At that moment as I balled my eyes out and gasped for air while some women I had met twice in my life starred at me in pity - at that moment I grieved both my babies.

The difference makes me cry. The before picture was taken on Christmas last year. I wonder what it will look like to put that picture next to this year's picture? I never would have thought I could age so much in such a short time..

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Today I went to a young adults group get together (a group at our church). I don't go often - as I have said before on a post I believe  - I feel far too old for the age group. It's 18-30ish well there are far more on the younger spectrum and I feel out of place. Today was okay but again I felt out of plahttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5951718174491665154ce. I feel like I have to insert myself into conversations and given my husband wasn't there either it made it a little more uncomfortable. There was a girl there quite a few years younger than me (probably she was 25) with her baby and she has two other children who were not there. It was sort of a slap in the face, as are all pregnant women and babies on some days. I find myself far more uncomfortable when I am not expecting to see a baby. I just sat there fidgeting with my bracelet and necklace (both which are for Riley & Peyton. I literally had to fight back tears thinking this is what I have of them. This is how I carry them...weightless jewelry filled with so much meaning. It was almost too much to take. I survived. I am here to tell the story but still wounded from the experience.

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I've been told that I am so strong and it so unbelievable that I was able to survive this horrible loss twice. I agree I am strong, we all are, all BLMs are so far beyond strong it's unexplainable our strength. We all never thought we would survive I am sure but we did we made it through and we will be making it through our whole lives. You don't get over this sort of pain, you deal with it, you become used to it, you live THROUGH it but you never get OVER it. This is not something any of have a choice in... we were thrown into this misery, forced to gain this strength. This is my life.

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I have my MRI scheduled for the Tuesday after Christmas. My cousin's husband is the technician and apparently you get the results very quickly. As long as I know before my next period that is all that matters. IF it is tissue like I am hoping and praying then they can get on birth control and do the surgery next month. If it's not tissue then they won't do anything either way. I have never wanted anything more in my life (except kids of course) then to have this be TISSUE! I am hoping and praying for it with every fiber in my being. I will of course fill you in on the matter once I know more.

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Thanks for reading. Check out my next post I am doing a giveaway :)

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"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it."- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." -Virginia Woolf