Friday, June 24, 2011

Catching up (days 13-19)

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

There are not enough words in the world for my MIL she has hurt me and my husband far too much. Her insanity is beyond words and I don't have the time or the patience to put that pain into words. Though I plan to someday soon.
Day 14- A picture of you and your family

This is Nate's brother Ryan and his wife Laura(both are on the far right), Nate is next to him and I am holding their daughter Madelyn. Marek (their son) was asleep.
This was taken right before his brother drove us to Orlando :( 
We miss them a lot!  

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

(I have many different types of music on my Ipod)

Good Girl Gone Bad - Rhianna
Ignorance - Paramore
Witness - Sarah McLachlan
Uncle Bobby - Firefly
Blackest Eyes - Porcupine Tree
Love Song for a Savior - Jars of Clay
Brick House - Commodores
Swallowed - Bush
I'm Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado
The Unforgiven II - Metallica

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Me with my "birthday twin" Cade - He is my SIL's son :)
He will be 1 on July 22nd and I will be 30 EEK! 

I thought I would have 2 children by now :( 
It's gonna be a rough bday...

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Maybe someone my age who has kids. Because I would like to know what that feels like. Other than that I have no idea. I mean sure I would like to live the life of someone who doesn't have to worry about money but family is far more important than money.
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

To get a job that I love - hopefully teaching art as that is what all my education is in and all my massive loans are in - but if I end up in some other field but happy I can live with that.

To have children! Hopefully ASAP! 

For my MIL to either shape up or move out of our lives permanently because her craziness is not healthy for us let alone our future children.

To be a SAHM when I have kids - may never be possible but man I would love that at least until they were in school.

To own a house and if I am lucky have a craft room and a big kitchen :)

To be able to afford to see Nate's family in the south at least once a year 

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Boo or Boo Boo - my dad calls me this because when I was a kid we played hide a seek and I would look for him and he would yell BOO when I found him so I used to ask him when we could play "Boo" lol

Dove Bar - My maiden name was Dunbar and apparently kids on my bus thought Dove Bar was funny I didn't really see why it was an insult LOL

Frog lady (one of my teachers in high school called me this)- because I collected frogs and my locker was decorated in them and it was right next to her room.

Wiggle Butt (NO LIE) - because according to my friend in high school I "wiggled my butt when I walked" SO embarrassing when he called me that in public!

Sassy Pants - my husband calls me this because I'm sassy LOL

Jessy Bean - my husband calls me this - like Jelly bean - just a silly nickname :)

Jess - obvious simple nickname for Jessica

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 week 5 days and 10 months and 4 days

Right where I am: 

1 year 4 months 1 week 5 days (since Riley went to Heaven)
10 months and 4 days (since Peyton went to Heaven)

For those who found me from Still Life with Circles thank you for reading. I think this is a great project that Angie is doing and I am glad to take part in it.

To the reader: this post will be all over the place. As my mind is all over the place. Thus is the life of a grieving mother. So I hope you can stay with me throughout this lengthy post. I apologize if I hop around a lot. I believe I was like that before this grief entered my life too though that part of my life seems like a distant memory...

Where to start. My babies. My sweet sweet Riley and Peyton. When you lose a child you think "What did I do to deserve this?", you look to others, you fall into yourself because well life seems like it's over. You think nothing will ever get better. The utter loss of all that was precious to you that you were CARRYING in your body is gone. I had nothing to "show for it" as they say. No ultrasound pictures. Nothing. To the world it was as if nothing had happened. To some it still is.

When I started this blog 10 months ago right after losing Peyton I was obsessed. I blogged every day and read many many blogs (as you can see from my blog roll to the right). Nowadays I don't write or read nearly as much. Not because I care less or losing my babies doesn't effect me. Simply because life changes.

I think that the hardest part of losing Riley was the fact that EVERYONE knew I was pregnant. Cute, naive me wanted the world to know. I posted it on Facebook and told everyone at church. Two days later my world crumbled. It was like a cruel joke. I still look back on that time and it makes me so sad. I relive that day in the ultrasound room sometimes. How cold and heartless the doctor was and the anguish that my husband and I were in. It breaks my heart every time. I relive the day I lost Peyton often too. I was alone because naive me though all was well that time. In the same room I found out Peyton had no heartbeat. That room scares me and I will never enter it alone again. Ever. People told me (and still do) that I am "young" and we can have more children - blah blah blah. Like any of that made it okay that I lost my children. Honestly to this day - almost a year and a half after losing Riley the worst part is SOCIETY. To be frank PEOPLE SUCK! I am constantly in awe of how people would rather IGNORE the fact that I AM A MOTHER. They would rather not think about the fact that my two children died a mere 6 months apart from each other. People often ask if they were twins because of this necklace that I wear and the fact that the losses were so close together:

I tell them no, that they were two separate pregnancies. This for some reason seems to make people feel worse for me. Two children is two children - whether they were twins or not or two separate pregnancies does not make the loss more or less difficult. 

Just last week when returning from Florida I was wearing this necklace and a woman said it was beautiful. I told her that it was for my two children that had died and she just very sweetly said "How beautiful, God Bless them" and I thanked her and we went about our ways. Society should be sweeter, like this woman was to me. Sadly strangers tend to be sweeter about my loss then people who know me. Maybe because it effects people who know me more, who knows. 

Even 1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days and 10 months and 4 days later I even dream about them. Sometimes I dream that I have living children. I never call them by name in my dreams. It's just this precious, perfect film in my mind of me playing with my kids. Their first steps, smiling in my arms, playing on the swings, moments I long for... I often wonder if someday I will be playing with my children and have a deja vu moment like it has happened before. Maybe I am dreaming of my future children. It may sound crazy but I often have moments 4 or 5 times a year where I remember EVERYTHING about what is happening - know it will happen before it does - like I have been there before - but I haven't. I have had those moments since I was a child. Who knows. Maybe I dream them before they occur and don't remember them until they happen in my life. You never know. I like to think these perfect films are God's way of telling me everything will work out in time. 

Maybe my dreams are transitioning with my grief. Last night for the first time that I can remember since both losses I was telling someone about my losses in my dream. I was telling them about Riley and Peyton and explaining one of my pieces of jewelry to them. They were reassuring me that I would be a mother soon. I hope they are right. I used to take dreams with a grain of salt. Now, however, it seems the ones I remember are ones with my babies and I believe I remember them for a reason. We dream every night and I sure don't remember every dream. So these precious dreams are for me: a reminder to not lose hope and faith that I will have living children on Earth one day. 

We are able to start to try again this month. With that comes a whole lot of fright. I am scared that I will miscarry again (even though what was causing the miscarriage has surgically been fixed - there's always a chance). I am afraid of people's reactions - do people really want to be happy for me when they know I could miscarry again? Will they even smile when I tell them? I worry about my families reaction. I currently am looking for a job and so financially we are not as well off as we would like - I don't want to be judged - I want people to accept that after all this loss I can not put off having a child - God will provide. Sometimes I miss the naive me because well - none of that was ever on my mind then - I was happy to tell people - thrilled to be pregnant. I thought getting pregnant was the hard part and I accomplished that so I was good to go... other times I am glad to not be naive. At least I know what to watch for, what to be prepared for... though it doesn't in any way mean it will be easier. 

The bad stuff always happens at once it seems. The last year and a half have been very very very hard. 2/11/10 we lost Riley, we moved to a bigger apartment in May 2010 to make room for a future child and two days later I lost my job. On my birthday, July 22nd, we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and on 8/19/10 we found out we had lost Peyton. They say bad things come in threes - I am going to group losing my job in there - or maybe my THREE surgeries (2 D&C's after my miscarriages and a surgery to correct my uterus). I would say bad things came in more than threes for me. It's been hard. I pray every day that things will start to look up for us.

Honestly I did not properly grieve Riley. I in no way "pretended it didn't happen" or "forgot about it" but I choose to try not to think about and I certainly did not express myself as I needed to. A blog back then would have been helpful. After the loss of Peyton 6 short months later the grief abounded and it had to explode somewhere so it did - onto this blog. Some people - who have no freaking idea what they are talking about - think I should not "think about them" as often as I do. As if that is truly a choice. If I had a five year old that died no one would ever tell me to FORGET that child or not think about them! But for some reason our stupid society cannot wrap it's precious little head around the fact that my children were HUMAN BEINGS. They had eyes, fingers, toes, and heart beats! They were indeed alive! In a world that applauds women for their right to choose and the millions that go off and choose to kill their children I am surrounded by a society of people who prefer to think children are not humans until they are born. People shouldn't be so cruel and so dumb with such a huge loss.

1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later I still grieve my baby. Had Riley been born he/she (I was 7 weeks along so we have no idea is Riley was a boy or a girl) would have been about 10 months old. Riley's due date was 9/27/10 - someone from my church had their son on that exact day. So needless to say it is VERY hard for me to see her child. Such a reminder of what we lost. 10 months and 4 days later I still grieve my sweet Peyton too. I was less than 2 weeks away from my second trimester when we saw their was no longer a heartbeat. Peyton's due date was 3/16/11 - 3 days before my husband's birthday. Peyton would be about 3 1/2 months old now. So much loss. It has aged me. I feel far older then my nearly 30 years. 

It will ALWAYS piss me off that on my medical records it says that I had 2 "spontaneous abortions" within 6 months of each other. It will always make me cringe to think that the word "abortion" is anywhere NEAR my name. I am dead set against abortion and had I not been so depressed the first time someone told me that was what was in my chart I may have slapped them!

I have passed both of my children's due dates with no living child in my arms. That, I imagine, would age anyone. It's so very very hard to watch women my age, or younger than me, who have three children already BEFORE they are 30 and I have none. So hard, and down right maddening to watch people get pregnant "by mistake" when I long to get pregnant! To know that there are people out there having abortions when there's so many people like me who wish they could have a living child. My body was killing my babies and now that has been fixed and I potentially should have no issues carrying a child but I will still be afraid. With every pregnancy because you know what? The naive me is gone. If I didn't FEEL like an adult before on 2/11/10 I certainly became one and I became years older on 8/19/10 after losing Peyton. 

1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later and 10 months and 4 days later would I say I am "better"? No. Will I ever be? No, because my children are in Heaven and they have a piece of my heart with each of them. I am glad that they have each other and I am glad that I KNOW without a doubt that I will see them again one day. THAT is when I will be better. I will tell my children about their siblings in Heaven. Riley and Peyton will not be forgotten. I will represent them on my skin every day and almost always wear a piece of jewelry to represent them too. 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelations 21:4

Mommy and daddy love you Riley and Peyton. We think of you every day... We will always love you!

Me singing at church:

Far behind - but thus is life (days 7-12)

Life has been hectic - originally I was on vacation and didn't have the time to post the 30 days (so I VERY far behind) and since being back from vacation I haven't had the will to post. I found out we may have some financial issues. I have been rather down about that. Life is hard and sadly when I think it's getting better often it gets harder.... At any rate here is days 7-12

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

This is what my husband and I wrote to put on a banner for The Walk to Remember last October. I teared up when I read my husband's. He puts on a strong face but I know this has all been so hard for him too.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

1) To start looking for a job because I really stinking need one.
2) To get pregnant - it will be our first month trying so it is a lot to hope for but I can't give up hope. I have faith I will get pregnant soon and financial issues or not God will work it all out. I refuse to put having a baby on the back burner - I'm turning 30 in a month and darn it I want 2-3 kids hopefully so we gotta get a move on!!
3) Spend quality time with my husband and my family because life is too short to not appreciate those closest to you.

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

Making a sale on my Etsy shop the DAY i reopened it after vacation! Selling my handmade items makes me really happy :)

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

(I linked to the songs in case you are interested in hearing them)

Happy: Angels by The Tea Party  (I have called Angels my happy song for years LOL no idea why I just think it's beautiful - I get to see them in concert ON my birthday for FREE!! yeaa)

Sad: Mad World by Gary Jules, Held by Natalie Grant (sad but also helps me remember to have faith), and I would die for that by Kellie Coffey (sad for what I have lost but hopeful because after struggling the singer now has a baby!)

Bored: Some will seek forgiveness, others escape by Underoathe (reminds me of when I started dating my husband we both love this song) and Again by Flyleaf (they are a fabulous Christian band - I saw them in concert a day or two after finding out we had lost Riley and this song had me in tears - I love it.)

Hyped: Raise your glass by Pink  (because I just love the upbeat quality to the song)

Mad: Caution Dangerous Curves Ahead by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster (not really an angry song it's just cause it's loud and abrasive)

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

This is actually a picture taken in Florida just last week with Nate's family (many who he had never met) while they are family they are all my friends too.

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

I found it through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope when I was reading other peoples stories I noticed people put their blogs on their - I read a few and realized people had blogs to talk about their grief and I thought that would be good for me to do. So that is what I have been doing for about 10 months now.

Monday, June 6, 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 2-6

Sorry I'm behind but I did warn you this would happen in the first post LOL - been making lots of orders before I leave for my Etsy shop (which now has over 100 sales!!!) and making lists of what to pack. Give we leave Wed. I should actually start packing today ;)

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

I read the quote "An angel in the book of life wrote down my babies births and whispered as she closed the book: 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

I always loved it. I even have it in my tattoo for Riley & Peyton. Here is a picture of my tattoo.

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

This is quite an old photo but it seemed appropriate given it was taken the last time I was in Florida. I think about 10 years ago in 2001. This is with my best friend Kiersten from high school who I have sadly not seen pretty much since then :(

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Hmmm a habit - umm I wish I didn't drink only Diet Pepsi because I have to stop drinking it VERY soon so we can TTC and it is going to be HARD!I got off caffiene the first time I was pregnant and barely drink it anymore so I am glad to have that behind me but finding something else I like to drink is not going to be easy. Either is drinking water because man I don't like it!
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Two pics :) The first is of NYC/Central Park from On Top of the Rock - AMAZING view and no wait like at the Empire State Building! That was in 2006 though I did go back to NYC in 2009.

This picture is of Whiteface Mountain in the Adirondack Mountains (near Lake Placid) this was taken in June of 2008 on my honeymoon :) Very quickly after this we were hit by a storm LOL

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

Well I don't really have one LOL but let's break it down like this:
Spiderman - NO - because spiders are gross and a man that can shoot webs is gross.
Green Lantern - NO - because come on a green glowing ring - not attractive to ladies and not very scary (maybe Ryan Reynolds will change my mind)
Wolverine - NO - a bit to scary and too hairy
Hulk - NO - a man that turns scary big and GREEN - that's weird
Thor - NO - a guy who is so obsessed with carpentry he carries around a hammer? LOL - no thanks ;)
Batman - NO - bats are scary and Christian Bale's voice sounded creepy weird when he was Batman
Superman - he can fly - THAT is cool - he's a contender
Cyclops - NO - I like eyes but he would kill me with his - no good!
Jean Gray - NO - cool she can read minds but no fun superhero name - boring!
Storm - being able to create crazy weather when you get mad would be pretty cool - she's a contender
Iron Man - he's a hottie when not in costume and he can also fly! He's a contender.

So with that said - I dunno - I'm gonna say Iron Man ;) (I loved his sarcasm in the movies too so that helps LOL)

Time to get stuff accomplished now ;)
Gotta make more orders AND pack!
We leave Wed. morning for Florida!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

30 Day challenge - Day 1

I saw this on a fellow BLMs blog and I did a 30 day blog posting last year too. So here we go again.... I will do my best to post as much as I can but I am going to be on vacation. I will try! I promise ;)

Day 1 is posted below the list!)

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song


Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself 

Me and my hubby
 hmmmm 15 INTERESTING things? I shall do my best....

1. I love frogs and I have collected them since 8th grade (1993) though I don't get nearly as many as I used to.
2. I LOVE the sound of loons - haunting and beautiful (go to 35 seconds in this video to hear it:
3. I hate to get tattoos but I love all three that I have especially the one for my babies.
4. Went to school to teach art but haven't had a teaching job since 2005.
5. I am obsessed with peanut butter... seriously I LOVE it!
6. I watch probably over 30 T.V. shows (probably more... sad I know - I don't want to count it would just be depressing) I love T.V. 
7. I have seen so many movies that when I "rate" them on Netflix they actually run out of ones for me to rate (other than ones I would never watch lol)
8. Sometimes I get a little cabin fever (I have been unemployed for a year) so I go catch a movie by myself (they run deals during the day)
9. I like "crunchy" grapes
10. I love to eat scrambled eggs MIXED with strawberry applesauce
11. I actually got glasses because 10 years ago whenever I saw a movie in the theaters (which was a lot) I would get a migraine. Since I have been unemployed the movie theater is pretty much the ONLY time I wear my glasses.
12. I have a mole on the left side of my nose that people used to think was a nose piercing but I have had my nose pierces (on the right side) for 10 years (way before it was 'popular' around here)
13. I have thirteen earrings but I mainly only wear 7 - my tragus piercing is my favorite
14. While I love to watch T.V./movies I rarely just sit and watch them I am usually doing something while watching whether it be blogging, painting, or making hair clips.
15. I love love love peacock feathers!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Can't even leave a haircut happy :*(

So I needed to get my hair cut before vacation because it was getting rather long. So I scheduled it for after my sub job today and my hairstylist knows my history with miscarriages. She has lost a baby too. So you would think that would be a safe zone right? WRONG!

She always asks me if I am pregnant and today I replied "late next month is the first time it will be possible". We talked a bit about my crazy MIL (and trust me she IS crazy). Then my sister came up in conversation and she says to me "What if she gets pregnant before you?" and I said I would be really upset. To which she replied "well you're both fertile myrtles you know she is going to get pregnant before you - just get over it" (something like that anyways). I told here that they aren't even trying and she said "if it's God's will for her to get pregnant first she will and you'll be okay with it" and I said no I'll be mad but I'll have to deal with it if it happens.

I think at that point she realized I was upset. She said "now you got yourself all fired up" and I'm sitting there going YOU DID THIS not me!

Oh my gosh I could just SCREAM!

How awful! The worst part is it isn't the first time that she said that to me! OBVIOUSLY this is not a conversation I want to have so shut up already!

Sadly I think that it would be easier for people to be happy for my sister. Even though their financial situation isn't the greatest I feel like no one will even worry about that with them. She doesn't have a history of loss so it will be easier to not be filled with worry over her pregnancy. The whole freaking church wants my sister to get pregnant and honestly being around people saying that makes me sick! They all know what I have been through and their rudeness and ignorance is really starting to piss me off!

It may sound bad but I am ready for a vacation from it all. For a few weeks I won't have to be around that. I'll go off to Florida with Nate and pretend those dumb freaking comments don't exist for awhile. Pretend that the world isn't full of idiots who can't wait to say things until I'm out of earshot. It would be one thing if they didn't know my history - but they do - and it's really offensive. It makes me sad and I'm so so so sick of being sad. It seems like whenever I am feeling okay with where I am and happy someone has to say something to take a big crap all over it. Well thanks a lot! The last thing I need right now is stupidity so please take it elsewhere!

Check out these two videos at the links below - they are by my favorite group Flyleaf:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I will love you forever Riley & Peyton! You mean the world to me and no one can take that away from me. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much!
Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios